Friday, April 15, 2011

Dirty, dirty baby-hater!

I don't have any children.  I don't want to have any children. I’m not going to have children.

I like kids just fine (as should be evident by how much I adore my nephew), but I like kids when they are able to reliably use the bathroom on their own, and are able to be reasoned with.
Little itty bitty babies, on the other hand, scare the living hell out of me.

In the past, people have given me the "OMG how can you not like babies!? You were once a baby!" argument and I don't even know what kind of logic that is supposed to be. If I once had the flu, would I have to like sick people? Because I don’t. I can commiserate with them that we both were sick (or babies) once, but that doesn’t make me like them by default.

In actuality, I once had a boss threaten to fire me because I let it be known that I don't like babies.  It's not like I was punching babies, or threatening to eat babies, or had any plans to be menacing towards babies, I just simply said, while doing an exercise talking about fears "GHA! I hate babies, they scare the crap out of me!" which I didn't realize was such a controversial statement until I was counseled the next day for being a 'dirty dirty baby hater.'  I MIGHT have also drawn a picture to go along with the exercise personifying my fear (which was also part of the assignment- to draw your fear as a monster) that looked something like this:


But I still assert that it does not make me fire-worthy.

Let me make it clear, it is not like I sat down one day and made a conscious choice not to enjoy babies. I didn't have any baby trauma, they just aren't my thing and never have been.

And again, I am not against the idea of babies. I don't sit around thinking about ways to conquer babies. I have no problem with other people having them, and loving them, and being excited by them, except that people get very upset with you if you don't actively participate in the sport of adoring the crap out of them… and I don’t.

45 comments:

  1. Thank goodness, somebody sane!!! :)

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  2. oh you're just awful! not really :) i can't say i understand you're feelings. but they're your feelings, and you're allowed to have them. helps with population control!

    ps- google zombie baby. i would be very, very scared of those babies.

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  3. Was that at your job at the daycare center, or the job in the maternity ward?

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  4. That IS a terrifying baby monster. If you don't like babies, that's ok. I'm just glad you don't want to conquer, punch, eat, or be menacing to babies. That would scare me a little.

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  5. You and me both sister. I dunno if I ever want kids, but having worked in a field with "problem children" under the age of ten and having been assaulted 3 times in a month, it solidified the whole "I don't want them at any time in the conceivable future."

    I was even kinda thrilled I had to have one of my ovaries removed because that makes it harder to have them.

    The drawing totally looks like it should have been in the first Toy Story by the way.

    And you really should try babies on spikes :P Kidding. :D Eddie Izzard, look up that bit.

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  6. I am actually slightly afraid of pregnant women as well - eeks!

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  7. Having had 3 babies, I can empathize with your fear.

    That said, if they EVER fired you for something as stupid as that, I would hope you would sue the fuck out of them.

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  8. I can't stand babies. Nothing about them appeals to me at all. I mean, what's with all the drooling, pooping and crying?
    My mans' kids are 4 and 8 now, just about the perfect age for me. They are housetrained, can speak, entertain themselves and, as you said, can be reasoned with. I love them both, in a non- maternal way. But if I had an offer on the table to have my ovaries removed tomorrow, I'd be disappointed we can't do it today.
    Thanks, Mum, for having me, but I can't get my head 'round how the hell you managed to cope.

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  9. I too was wondering what job you would be at that liking babies would be mandatory, besides the above suggstions of teacher or materinity/ pediatiric nurse? You are not a peditrician are you? Lol! I love babies but I think the picture is great! And, yes, having had three babies, they are pretty darn scary! I think the world needs wonderful aunts, your nephew is lucky to have a funny aunt who draws such cool monsters!Very funny post, thanks!

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  10. I could've gone my whole life without seeing a scarier version of the baby head from Toy Story. Thanks a lot.

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  11. OMG, can I call you a Kindred Spirit?!?!? We sound exactly alike in the beginning of your blog & in the 2nd paragraph of a blog I recently wrote called No Sprouts for Me !!

    Now I'm not exactly afraid of babies in quite the same way I don't think but I can totally see where you are coming from and agree with you on how others think its just incomprehensible! Blah to them I say!! But to be fired for it?? What the heck is that about?? That boss probably had kids & was just jealous that you never would have to struggle like them... LOL

    Stop in and give my blog a read at The Voices Within Unleashed

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  12. I recently wrote a post entitled "In Defense of Non-Parenthood" - it's absolutely to dislike babies, they are kind of gross!

    (Plus, I LOVE LOVE LOVE stinking babies, enough for the both of us, I'm sure.)
    www.southernfriedchildren.blogspot.com
    (That kind of gives it away that I have children, which may be a turn off, lol.)

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  13. I have children, and I would never, ever, ever tell anyone they need to have children. That is just invasive and disgusting. As for being threatened with firing because you don't like babies, I hope somebody got kneed in the balls for that stupid remark.

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  14. Babies are a necessary evil and I've been somewhat peripherally invloved in producing two of the little things. They're kinda cute to begin with... for about, oh I dunno, twenty seconds, the they get all wet and messy at both ends. Then there's the sound they make, eeew!

    Then the little scallywags learn to move around and it's all over after that. I'm for baby parks. Have em then let em run free and allow Darwin's theory to do its worst.

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  15. I can't say I sympathize, but I understand. Baby-making isn't for everyone.

    Me, I've gotten used to the idea that organic beings, small or large, all excrete strange squishy substances and make unappetizing noises. I'ma have me a whole tribe o' babies!

    Direchihuahua

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  16. Ok, I totally agree, except for my 2 girls and my grandson. Really, I'm not into other people's kids lol.

    And for the most part babies are just unformed lumps until they finally learn to do things, and then that's when you want to put them back where they came from, especially when they learn to talk. Who wants a little person who talks back to you? And teenagers? Eye-rolling, door slamming, talk backing things! lol

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  17. Until babies are about six months old, I refuse to even breathe by them. All that fragility in one package terrifies me.

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  18. For the record, it was a job dealing with humans age 12 and up but there were no babies involved at all. I don't like them, why would a get a job dealing with them?!

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  19. OOh, I love babies...but I couldn't eat a whole one,

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  20. Compliments on the cricket-like leg on your baby doll monster. That's some seriously fierce scawwy! Also, the clumps of hair... wow! It adds to the fierceness. You're a crack up!

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  21. Scary baby!!! Lol.
    I am not a baby person either. I don't think I'll ever have a baby. I might adopt a kid at a certain age. But no baby coming from me! :s

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  22. @comrade- it is supposed to be a roach leg... as roaches are a lesser source of fear. =D

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  23. So you have fears of wheels and metal skull plates too? And apparently a fear of balding :P I don't think that's likely with your mane.

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  24. Yes...? =P

    Like those wheels on the shopping carts that spin randomly and screech... and seriously, you don't have a fear of head injuries that result in metal head plates? What are you? Some kind of superhero?!

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  25. No way! But I have a bigger fear of looking like Optimus Prime after some bullshit patch job lol

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  26. LOL a veiw from the other side. I love babies, but I love your blog post too. HMMMmmm I must be crazy. With that being said, I don't blame you for being afraid of the little drooling, pooping, waddeling weirdos. My daughter is 1 and she scares me some times. Those tantrums are freakishly frightening. I mean babies one minute all cute the next minute they seem to be posessed by demons!!!!! But I still love her.

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  27. Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! I have 4 kids and I totally get this post!!

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  28. Heheheheh I'm in agreement with Mountain Witch: I also have four kids and I totally get your post. These days, when others bring their babies around, my response is usually something like "ohh how cute... gotta go."

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  29. At least you know they aren't Androids cuz they poop alot!

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  30. ok, i need to know where you work. where they let you sit around and confab about your fears and draw pretty (or terrifying) pictures. cuz that's pretty stinking awesome.

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  31. I totally get that ALL the time! I don't care for babies nor little kids. Maybe when they're 6th grade and up. Or if they act mature I'm okay with them. I don't plan on having babies and I don't recommend me babysitting, they'll be literally sat on. Lol

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  32. With all due respect to yours and others' opinions similar to yours, I just don't get it. Whether it be man or woman, I just don't get how they don't want to have babies. By the way, I'm not saying this in an offended tone, I'm saying it in a confused tone.

    I mean, children are meant to be one of your legacies as a human being, you know? If you don't have a purpose in life religious-wise, at least running a family will have you work for SOMETHING, haha.

    And mind you, fun isn't something that lasts forever. You could have all the fun in the world, but it'll seem like just random moments rather than years and years of bliss.

    While children may not have that guarantee of longevity either, but, when you're old, right... if you raised them right, at least you'll have someone to take care for you and look after you. Ask you "What's up, Dad, Mom, how you been? I got this new job. I got a grandson."

    But that's just how I see it, of course.

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  33. FFS, people.. this is a HUMOR blog.

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  34. joyfulcherie.blogspot.comApril 17, 2011 at 10:13 PM

    you n i are almost the same..
    I like kids only when they can sit properly and behave good.

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  35. This Post just made me laugh! I am scared of babbies too, but I adore them, I just would never be brave enough to hold one if they are not old enough to actually crawl at least. younger than that and I am super freakin scared to hold or touch them. If I broke any of them Id be haunted for life!

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  36. for me the tiny features freak me out!! the small fingers are so creepy and they are always reaching and grasping for something.. it literally gives me shivers!
    And as for that picture, i never understood who made those dolls for kids- they are the creepiest thing after babies fingers- those eyes....

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  37. What kind of job did you have where they could threaten to fire you over that? That seems a little extreme if you ask me. Also, I definitely do not think you are the only person that feels this way. In fact, part of me thinks that a lot of people do, they are just afraid to admit it because of what people will think. Babies are so fragile, which could make people nervous. Interesting post, I liked it!

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  38. I definitely like the fact that you realize you don't like babies. That is a lot better than someone who has a baby and THEN realizes they don't like them. Kudos to you!

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  39. It's different when they're your babies. My babies can drool, piss, puke, crap, snot, be annoying and it ain't no thing. Now, OTHER PEOPLE'S babies... totally gross & scary.

    ;) Just kidding... sort of.

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  40. The more I read your blarg the more I like. I made the decision at 15 that I never wanted children. I'm 35 and still don't want children. I could post my list of 500 or more reasons but that would just take away from the beauty that is your post.

    I say power to you girl! Don't have them if you don't want to. Far too many people do and then discard them. <3

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  41. I will say I share your view. Babies scare the crap out of me! I don't like them nor do I like being near them. I do not want kids of my own but I'm not against adoption. I just don't want to adopt any younger than 9 or 10. Who cares what others say, You, go girl :D

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  42. I think you have an extremely vaild veiw. Baby's are scary little creatures and if you dont like them who's place is it for someone else to judge you based upon that small factor? Your awesome regardless of if you do or do not want children.

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  43. Seriously? Having a baby is a personal choice...some people want to have children (me) and some don't. I don't get why people would make a big deal out of somebody not wanting a baby. You're not a freak, you're not weird...that's just how you feel, and that's perfectly fine :) Not that you need anyone to tell you that.

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  44. My husband has 4 older sisters and they've been harrassing me to produce little ones since before we got married. My husband wants kids but is actually sensitive to my feelings of NOT wanting any, and he's cool with whichever way we go. They scare the hell out of me, too! Sorry but I like my sleep, my quiet house, and my freedom!

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  45. I like babies. I like all babies. But, for pete's sake, it's not like we're running out of people, people. There's no societal need for people to procreate; the place is crawling with humans already. BTW, babies are easily conquered by going away and waiting for them go grow up. No work for the big people! It's part of the operating software.

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