Thursday, April 21, 2011

Let My People Go!

It's Passover, which means, it is time for Matzo-related injuries.  If you've never had Matzo, let me clue you in... it is some stabby shit. Think 'stabbing power of Doritos if Doritos were twice as thick.'  And I am not talking about the rounded-edged Doritos that they likely switched to because they were undoubtedly getting sued for injuring so many unsuspecting customers, I am talking old school, 'put it in your mouth wrong and bleed for half an hour' Doritos.

On the first night of Passover, while eating a buttered piece of Matzo, I managed to puncture my mouth, and my throat, as well as stabbing myself in the face with it when I missed my mouth whilst I was complaining about stabbing myself in the mouth area.

Of course, I like to think that the sharp edges are part of the lesson.  "You think being stabbed in the mouth by a bland cracker made of only flour and water is bad... try being a slave.. try wandering around the desert for 40 years... now complain about a freaking piece of unleavened bread, you ungrateful bastard!"

But my people are well known for making the best of a bad situation, so, to take advantage of their natural properties, I think I will work on fashioning my own line of self-defense items made of Matzo... Jewish Throwing Stars, anyone?

It's really hard to nibble the hole out of the center though...





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On another note, I have lost one of my followers in the influx of other awesome followers and I want to find you again.  Your blog is pink, it might have princesses in the title. You once dressed as Rita Skeeter for Halloween, and it was your profile image for a while but not any more... You have great recipes. I need the link to your blog again, please!

30 comments:

  1. So if you've got Jewish throwing stars, what would the Jewish school of ass-kicking be called? And no cheating and looking up real Israeli styles.

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  2. Haha!!! I just posted yesterday about matzoh. It wasn't nearly as funny though. You crack me up!!!
    And the law school comment... seriously hilarious! I am friends with a Jewish family full of lawyers and they can kick some serious ass! With or without Jewish throwing stars...

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  3. Hah! I was thinking ninja star then I read your next paragraph and there it was and cracked up laughing, so your psychic broadcast powers work all the way from Montana to Texas, and I'm not even facing the right direction, simply 'mazing.

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  4. OMFG I LOVE YOU. That is all.

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  5. I think I found the blog you were wanting:

    http://sashahalima.com

    It has a reference to the Little Pink Blog and to Rita Skeeter

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  6. @Esb- nope, thank you though- I went, last night, through all the women who joined before the big influx, trying to find her, but I think she may be a subscriber but not follower. The blog itself is pink... I've commented on it several times... just can't find it now. =S

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  7. @JRose, you love followers so much yet you didn't follow someone's blog you loved? What's up with that?

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  8. @Ramblings-- I'm weird about following things and I am trying to get better at it, hence trying to correct the issue now. =D

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  9. I have never had matzo...now i don't know if I want to. Sounds dangerous

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  10. You're right about those Doritos!! Mega sharp! I wondered why they banned metal lunch boxes, but still let kids bring in cool ranch doritos. They'll cut a b*tch.

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  11. Funny, I never thought about this! Thank you for a very well needed laugh since I am on day 4 of spring break with three children! I can't get the scary baby picture out of my mind!! Lol!

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  12. Making matzo bread throwing stars certainly seem a worthy investment of time. I would be afraid of them. =\

    Libby Lou
    http://sillybiznis.blogspot.com

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  13. Well, matzo sounds extremely dangerous, I may try it just for the new adventure of eating something without injuring yourself :D

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  14. I was most definitely nibbling on some matzo whilst reading this. And while I have definitely jabbed my mouth on several occasions, I find that the trick to remaining unscathed is to break the piece into more manageable pieces before ingestion.

    But why wait until Passover to inflict such pain whilst noshing? Matzo is year-round!

    Love this blog. You never cease to make me laugh :)

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  15. matzo bread throwing stars--brilliant! But you seriously have to stop keeping such close track of your followers. Write it and they will follow. If they don't, screw 'em!

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  16. @Jelli, BUT BUT... I like you guys. And I mean lost as in... can't find, not lost as in, she ditched me... at least I don't think she did.

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  17. I think I'm one of the only weirdos in the world who actually likes the taste of Matzo... and I'm not even Jewish, I'm some crazy weird combination of Roman Catholic and Southern Baptist. It is some sharp stuff, though. I dunno if you're allowed to have it during passover, but sometimes I put butter & honey on it and put it in the microwave for about 15 seconds--delicious, and the amount of butter I put on it seems to take away some of the stabbiness.

    Also, <3 your blog. Will definitely keep reading.

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  18. @Li, Oh yeah, I can have it! Today I made some almond toffee matzo and covered in it chocolate.

    And I find matzo to be delicious once butter is added... not so much plain... but with butter, it is a magical plank of happiness!

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  19. This made me laugh really hard, lucky to find it as i was preparing my work area for my mid-shift nap.

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  20. I have never stabbed myself while eating matzo (though I have many times eating Doritos so I can only imagine the pain) but I have been hit in the back of the head with a matzo ball straight from a soup pot. I would love to say that was some sort of really strange accident, but in reality it was a very ugly disagreement with the cook.

    I am sure being stabbed with it is much more painful (though possibly less unpleasant) than a squelchy hot ball of dough smacking you upside the head and leaving your hair smelling like chicken.

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  21. Law School=awesome. Now they're gonna sue our asses for poking fun at them :P

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  22. Capn' Crunch is the worst mouth-assaulting food ever. I'm considering launching a study that seeks to determine which food can most ruin a person's day. The list is growing. Onions are my worst mouth-enemy. If I eat onion it stays with me for days - the taste. Red onions are the devil!

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  23. That's funny, you don't look Ninjish.

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  24. Has anybody made a Jew-do joke yet? I wanna make sure I get in on this.

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  25. I am so very, very sorry, I missed that. My computer was having personal troubles around this point and I was using a laptop that has a chunk out of the middle missing. I can assure you it wont happen again:)

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