Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Or I could go to Australia...

I hate doing dishes.

And I hate doing dishes mostly because I am incapable of doing them without incurring the wrath of the sink.
By this I mean, dishes, quite clearly, hate me as much as I hate them.
I know this because I cannot get away from a sink of soiled bowls, utensils, plates, pots or pans without somehow spraying the entire kitchen with water, or soaking the front of my shirt and pants in a tell-tale oblong "splash of shame."



Now I have been told that, apparently, it is possible to wash dishes without looking like you've been visiting Sea World, and I've tried to thwart the soggy wrath with a kitchen towel placed on the edge of the sink, but then, I manage to soak the towel and then myself, or at the very least, I manage to place an ice cream scoop under the faucet, which results in spraying my entire shirt, sleeves, face, and feet because of course, I am freaking out that I am being dowsed with tepid sink water, and  I can't figure out to turn down the water pressure instead of quickly moving the concave surface while water ricochets everywhere.
It must be noted as well, that I have the keen ability to fill my sleeves with water, which seems like something only an idiot would do, but... I seem to be an idiot.

And just last night, I realized, apparently, I'm allergic to dish soap, or at least the ridiculously cheap crap that we buy, so getting soaked also means looking like I have leprosy in the places where the soapy water comes in contact with my skin for more than a few seconds.

I was hoping that my histamine reaction to dishes would get me out of having to do them, but no... of course they make hypoallergenic soap... bastards!

And yes, I know they make dishwashers to do dishes, but I have a tiny kitchen and a tiny counter top dishwasher, and all that it fits are plates and bowls, which are, of course, the easiest things to wash by hand.


______________________________________________________________________

Remember, today is the last day to buy May's Limited Edition Llama sticker. They won't be available tomorrow!

And I made another dress-up game (with tutorial on how to do dress-up games all day Saturday) on my art blarg that features  the Nacho Dress.  It is NSFW unless you get the clothes on the underwear clad JRose figure fast. =P   Go there to dress me up!

Friday, May 27, 2011

GET IN MY MOUTH!

For some reason, when I see an exceptionally cute little animal, my immediate reaction is the desire to put its head in my mouth...  For example:

Japanese Flying Squirrel AKA one of the cutest known animals on EARTH!



My immediate reaction.


It's not that I want to eat it, or harm it, or bite it, or scare it, it just... belongs in my mouth.

And I know, for a fact, that I am not the only weirdo who has this reaction, because in college, my friend Norwiener and I went to visit my friend Rian to see his adorable new itty bitty kitten, and the first thing that she said was, "OMG, IT'S SO CUTE! Do you think its head would fit in my mouth?" and then she put its head in her mouth. Or maybe I am just really weird and so are my friends, but I am not alone damn it. I'm not alone.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Ow.

This post is brought to you by my migraine. It's a grumpy post.


This is what I have:





This, is what I want:

Only quiet, with no sounds of humming computers, or TVs, or friggen birds, or traffic, or people breathing... 
and sleep... I'd like some sleep too... 

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

May Sticker Sale

These stickers are only available during May.  That is the next 6 days.  There are 18 available currently, and no more than 36 will be made. With shipping, each sticker is $1.75 USD.  You can choose to send me more if you like, in case you are feeling generous, but of course, you don't have to.  Each hand cut sticker is slightly less than 3 inches high and about 2 inches wide and has a matte finish. Will be sent USPS.







No longer available for sale! 








(if you are reading this via RSS, please know that there is a link on the actual post to purchase this sticker)



Why am I selling stickers?

My husband lost his job about 2 weeks ago. I'd like to pick up some slack until he is able to find a new job. Plus, stickers are awesome, are within my skill set, and I like being able to not be stressed constantly about money. There will be more limited edition and one of a kind items for sale next month, as well.


What's the "more"?


 The "more" is just an option to pay more, if one feels like it. One of my favorite musicians offers her albums for "60 cents or more," online and I wanted to do something similar, but I couldn't do it the way I wanted to 
because I needed to keep track of how many items sell, since the stickers are limited edition.


On average, I spend 2-3 hours a day working on stuff for the blarg. It's unpaid. I don't get ad revenue (yet!?).  I try to post 5 days a week... so if someone wanted to pay me more, out of the kindness of their heart, I wanted to give them the option! 

Isla de la Comida Robada

I'd like to talk for a moment about one of the most terrifyingly unsettling members of our society.  As usual, it is a commercial that reminds me, because I watch a lot of commercials while I am not paying attention to the TV, whilst screwing around online, but I digress.

While I am a peace-loving, Pollyanna, give-everyone-the-benefit-of-the-doubt type of girl, I think that people who habitually and purposely steal other peoples' lunches in the work place are bad bad people.

Seriously, and I am not talking about, "starving, come in off the street, just need something to eat."  I'm talking about the kind of sociopath who has a job, money, and a lunch hour where they could go purchase their own food, or order take out, and yet, there they are, stalking through the lunches of their coworkers, stealing food for the sheer thrill of doing so.  These people are untrustworthy douchebags and should be shunned from society.

I mean, what has to be going through their heads?  They work with their victims.  They are committing their crime in a public area.  People look forward to lunch.  They know what they brought to eat. It is just unconscionable.

The best (and most logical) punishment, in my estimation, is a Lord of the Flies/ LOST sort of scenario in which discovered lunch thieves are placed on a desert island and all forced to make elaborate, delicious lunches each day, which they then put in a refrigerator that is routinely raided by crazed monkeys or possibly genetically-engineered dinosaurs, leaving them having to eat grubs and coconut milk for eternity.

They should also be fired.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Non-Famous Twitter Illustrations #3- Toenail Clipper Stealing Zombies

Today's word is "Toenail" in honor of my friend Jeri who keeps tweeting about her big toenails coming off from running the Fargo Marathon... and it is grossing me out and apparently stuck in my mind when I had to choose a random word for this post. And now you guys get to be grossed out too. Sorry... misery loves company.
Oh yeah, also, there are far too many people out there talking about detaching toenails on twitter, for the record. See how I suffer for my art.  I need an adult. D=

the zombies came and stole my [effing] toenail clippers. #pisse


Monday, May 23, 2011

Crawlin' like a centipede...

This message is brought to you by my nephew, who was playing with shredded napkin pieces at lunch, whilst dramatically yelping the following:


I'm not entirely sure what it means, but he was quite emphatic about it.


And OMG, the nephypoo graduates from pre-school on Friday! I couldn't be more proud of the little booger!




And also, because it is now stuck in my head and makes about as much sense as the above:

Friday, May 20, 2011

Travel Fantasy: Saint Louis, Missouri

I'm absolutely in love with the St. Louis Arch.  Of course, like most of the objects of my affection, it is totally uninterested in me, and pretty much just tolerates me standing near it and sighing, because it enjoys the attention and doesn't mind stringing people along. But as much as I love it, standing under it, looking up, I feeling slightly nauseated and anxious because it is just SO BIG, which I suppose kinda works with the crush metaphor but also sounds pretty wrong in that context.
Fine, fine, I am more like a stalker of the St. Louis Arch, because I drive past it and stare longingly at it every time I have the opportunity, and I am afraid to get up in it, and it makes me anxious, but I love it so. I really do.


The Saint Louis Arch (at my last drive-by with photobombing llama, of course.)


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is my entry into the NileGuide Travel Fantasy Contest... and it is all completely true!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Narwhal Dress-Up!

My friend asked me to tell her how to make a dress-up game for her blog this afternoon, and in order to do that, I had to walk myself through the process again, so, OMG! You guys get another dress-up game from me.  Remember, you can share your creations by pressing the print screen (or prt sc) key on your keyboard and then pasting into a paint program. Just upload them to the Facebook Fan Page (or you own host) to share them with me and the other Cheeseblargians (that is what you are called, by the way... now you know, and knowing is have the battle! GO JOE!).

Have fun!
Don't get fired!





ETA: In case you're confused, you can drag and drop the different clothes and accessories onto the narwhal.

AND
If you can't get enough weird animal dress-up, there is the Llama Dress-Up over here! 

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Oh, I broke a nail!

When I was a kid, my sister and I used to crack up at the Lee Press-on Commercial that went like this:


Lady getting ready for a date.

Lady randomly jambs finger into wall then exclaims, "Oh, I broke a nail!"


Yadda yadda, buy plastic nails to cover up that you can't keep yourself from ramming your finger into walls for no reason. Now in GRAPE!



Only, after 32 years (I discount the years that I had no teeth in this figuring) I have stopped biting my fingernails*, and now, I have a little more sympathy for Ms. Lee Press-on, as I constantly ram my fingernails into things and myself because I am totally not used to them being there. Maybe I should invest in some Press-On Nails, just in case...


*I just forgot to do it in March of this year, and haven't really gotten around to it since... eventually, I'm sure I'll get back to it.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Misguided Ads: City MRI Centre

I was driving on the interstate the other evening and saw a billboard advertising MRIs.  Is this really something that needs to be advertised?  Their ad said something like "Patients love our Commitment- Doctors love our Quality!"

This leads me to wonder if there are other MRI centers where technicians just walk away part way through the procedure, leaving patients stranded in the machine.



Or if they just have a guy with a refrigerator magnet and a sketch pad doing the scans.






I mean, if you need to get an MRI, you need to do it, and if you are the type of person who is inclined towards doing what the doctor requests of you because you are in some sort of excruciating pain and/or have a tumor, etc. you DON'T REALLY need to be sold on getting the thing done. If you ARE dragging your feet on the MRI issue, is commitment and quality REALLY what was stopping you in the first place?

Pretty much, if I were in charge of advertising MRI procedures, this would be my tagline:

Monday, May 16, 2011

That's why you gotta drink 'em fast Harry, trust me!

While slurpees, slushies, freezes, frappacrappos, and other drinks made primarily of crushed ice and flavoring are friggen delicious and wonderful for a hot day, or for when you have a fever, I think they are indicative of how idiotic humans, as a species, can be.

 I would write more on this, and it would be really profound and brilliant, probably earning me some sort of award or book deal, but I cannot form full coherent thoughts currently because I am suffering brain freeze from drinking a delicious new Pina Colada Freeze from Taco Bell way faster than I should have, and my brain hurts.


Friday, May 13, 2011

Peep the Vote!

These are the entries for the First Annual Cheeseblarg Peeps Challenge (and I expect a bigger turn out next year, or else!).
This year, the theme was "Horror Movies Scenes."

And here they are, in alphabetical order, by entrant's first name:



Halloween by Kimberly Bowers

Nightmare on Peep Street (also) by Kimberly Bowers

Psycho by MsMM

Hellraiser Peep by Rhea Blackthorne


There is a voting page over at Facebook, or, if you are disinclined to go there, you can vote here.
But either way, please congratulate these ladies on actually participating and doing a damned fine job, at that.
Voting ends at 11:59 pm PDT, tonight! Winner will be announced on Facebook.

p.s. Next year, the theme will be.... video games! Start planning now!

Move, you stupid horse!

Sometimes, it is best to take the advice of 80's movie characters, and not wallow to where you feel like your drowning in the Swamp of Sadness.


Sometimes, you just need small erase figurines of cute animals to come out of the damned vending machine that you put your last two quarters in because you knew it would cheer you up when you were having a really crappy day because your body decided to wake you up by sticking you in the bathroom for 2 hours in agonizing pain, for some unknown reason, and you feel like there is someone trying to hack apart your head so you slept most of the day and didn't get anything done and you just want a freaking eraser dolphin with a flower on its head. But no, the machine jams, and you are left angry and quarter-less, and I just wanted the DAMNED DOLPHIN!



(reposted after it was eaten yesterday by the blogger monster... if there are two of them, comment on this one because I am deleting the other if it reappears. Thank goodness for RSS or it would have been goneski)

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Brilliant Product Ideas #1

Every once in a while, I come up with some brilliant ideas, instead of just pure unadulterated crap of the silly persuasion.  Unfortunately, upon presenting these ideas to the respective companies, I received the following replies (paraphrased):

Dear Ms. Rose,
That is pure unadulterated crap.
Please stop sending us unsolicited product ideas.
No love,
Us

But they were wrong, wrong I say! So I will share my amazing product ideas with you and then multinational conglomerate type companies, that I fully intend upon naming, will see how wrong they were not to steal my ideas when I was offering them up for free instead of writing about them in my AMAZINGLY popular blarg which will create a paper trail back to me, should they then decide to use said AMAZING product ideas. Early bird, yadda yadda...

So without further ado...

Marshmallow Charger Packs!

In my family, cereal was eaten more as a snack than part of a complete balanced breakfast, and as such, when I was finally able to buy myself Lucky Charms in college (it wasn't that my mom didn't let us have sugary cereal, it was just that she probably knew this problem would arise), I often found, when I went to actually eat a bowl of cereal with milk, all that was left in the box were moderately sweet oat type pieces, because, in snacking on the cereal, I, of course, had picked the majority of the delicious pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, green clovers, blue diamonds, purple horseshoes, red balloons, and tasty tasty rainbow marshmallows out of the box. You see, they were magically delicious, but without the crunchy sugary marshmallows, not so much. And then I thought, if only there were little charger packets of marshmallows in a separate bag, I could joyfully pick all the marshmallows out of the cereal, but then have some when I wanted to actually eat a bowl of cereal.  They could even make collector marshmallow packs to entice new buyers. Maybe team up with Zynga? This way, General Mills would be getting even more money from me, I would get more marshmallows, all would be right in the world.
It could also work in other applications, most notably, eating a bag of Lucky Charms marshmallows, by themselves, with no care for dry tasteless oat bits, at all.  But also for decorating cupcakes and cakes, putting in hot chocolate, or sticking them to your sister's face (after licking them, of course) while she is sleeping... the list is endless.



Oreo Stuf!

My other idea was born in the time of Oreo Big Stuf.  If you don't know what an Oreo Big Stuf is, picture a horrendously gigantic Oreo that has been mutated by radiation so that you would need a shoehorn to get it into your super, boss Dukes of Hazzard lunch box.  Who am I kidding?! All of my lunches were packed in plastic Publix Supermarket bags *sad face*... Anyway, I digress.
In high school, my mom was great about packing me lunches full of stuff I actually wanted to eat, which was greatly appreciated, however, when eating Oreos, it historically only takes a few bites before I grow weary of the chocolate sandwich cookie and end up chucking them, after licking out the middles.
I had a system that worked for me, which I now realize is completely grody, but I am going to tell you about it anyway, because, well, why the hell not.?! Sitting in the hallway of my wonderful high school (no really, it was the best, like summer camp for 4 years), I would happily eat the middles out of the Oreos that were packed in my lunch and, once I was done, I would give the chocolate wafers to my friend Erik, who apparently had no issue with eating cookies that had made contact with my mouth and were partially covered in my saliva... yeah.. I don't really know what that was about... but they didn't go to waste, and that was acceptable to me at the time.
The Oreo Big Stuf was much better, because it saved me grand amounts of time, as I only had to open one cookie to get the creme equivalence of 8-10 cookies, but I still felt bad about wasting the chocolate part. There had to be a better way.

My solution, which was summarily rejected by Nabisco, was selling jars of Oreo Stuf, not unlike cans of frosting, or marshmallow fluff. Selling the patented Oreo Creme, in a container, all by itself, would allow those people who really prefer the creamy center to the chocolate wafers (or were allergic to chocolate) to get what they want without accumulating a giant pile of discarded cookie outers.  Again, multifaceted product... it could be used as a filling for Oreo cakes, as a frosting for brownies, OR it could be consumed all in one sitting, using only a spoon, or maybe a finger or two, while watching "He's Just Not That into You," whilst crying...



Nabisco clearly made a grave error by rejecting this spectacular idea.


But, you know where to find me, companies, if you need a fresh new face for your R&D departments.  I have no qualifications at all, other than an active imagination, a love of food stuff, and a useless Bachelor's degree in art, but I'll be right here, waiting for your email! An apology wouldn't hurt either!

Monday, May 9, 2011

You Got Red On You!

I was just going to upload these to Cheeseblarg's Facebook Fan Page but alas, I worked really hard on this and I want to show it off all in one centrally located spot, not unlike the Winchester!

My final Peeps Horror Challenge Diorama-  Three scenes from Shaun of the Dead (which is a fantastic movie that you should see, if you've not seen it and like your horror movies funny and gory!)



Haven't you had your tea? 
(their positions are switched, my bad)


WHITE LINES!


Hey, hey! Over here!

Plus more detail shots so you can see all the details and different angles.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Happy Llama Mama Day!


To all the moms out there, and my mom too (I love you, Mommy!), I hope you have a wonderful mother's day!

And remember, listen to Mr. T, and treat your mother right!




p.s. I've redone the layout making it "custom"-- praise me... or else. =P

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Peeps Horror Challenge!

I'm spending the rest of this weekend finishing my Peeps Horror Challenge Dioramas for the contest (with prize of some sort that I shall figure out) over at the Facebook fan page that ends on the 10th, whilst sniffling and wondering how my body can produce SO MUCH snot.
For those of you who are allergic to the page, here are some images of what I have done so far:

What I'm currently working on (to be revealed on the page when done):





Finished images:




You still have 3 days to submit an image to the Cheeseblarg wall for a chance to win a possibly fabulous prize, or maybe something weird and drawn by me. My pieces will not be in the running for a prize, obviously. Why would I send myself a prize? That is a total waste of postage! Unless someone wants to send me a prize for all my effort.  I wouldn't mind that.
At the very least, it is hella fun to make things and it is an excuse to eat lots of peeps! You know you wanna!

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Nacho Dress

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a fashion designer.  I still kinda do.
In celebration of Cinco de Mayo, a fashion design. Why a fashion design on Cinco de Mayo?   Because when else would you reveal your amazing design for a dress made of Nacho cheese, sour cream, and guacamole?! Really, you should stop trying to make sense of what I do... it's easier that way.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Happy Star Wars Day!




I am old enough that I actually saw some of the original Star Wars movies in the theater, first run.  I remember standing in line outside the theater in San Diego, California, in 1980 waiting to see "The Empire Strikes Back." My little nerd heart was overjoyed at the wintry landscape of Hoth, and the AT-ATs and the "Pew! Pew!"

I even learned my first lesson that some people are total jackasses and don't understand the concept of spoilers, thanks to Star Wars.  

Sometime, around June of 1983, my family was somewhere, I remember it as Las Vegas, that had a pool with a bar next to it. My parents were somewhere else, though, again, kinda fuzzy, maybe it was all the drinking I was doing at the bar (which is a joke, because I was 6 at the time). 
My sister and I sat at the bar by the pool in our adorable matching sun dresses (my grandma was big on buying us matching clothes, perhaps she though we were twins, though there was a three year difference in our ages),  and while the cute bartender girl made us Shirley Temples (I was a sucker for Shirley Temples, still am, actually. I'll drink almost anything that is pink and sparkly that I am reasonably sure won't kill me), she made small talk.

"Do you like Star Wars?" she asked, and we enthusiastically said we did.

"Have you seen Return of the Jedi yet?" No, not yet!

"Who's your favorite Star Wars character?" and we told her, and then she heartlessly said, "Oh, it's so terrible that he DIES IN THIS MOVIE!"

At which, I might have started crying while being all "WTF LADY! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!? I'M A CHILD! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT!!??" in my sweet little child head. And then I was ruined, forever, to the joy of not understanding what a spoiler was... So, former poolside bartender, I hope making a small child cry through your stupid thoughtless actions still haunts you to this day, because I was really cute and you made me really sad, enough that 28 years later, I still want to punch you in the boob every time I think of Star Wars.



And here is a Jedi Narwal to make it all better.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

The Pepperoni Incident

I'm sorry, disgruntled deli worker, that I ruined your entire day and possibly your whole life by requesting that you, please, slice me 6 slices of pepperoni. And THEN 6 slices of provolone.  In my defense, I'm poor and can't afford to buy more pepperoni than I intend upon using when I have to purchase food for the rest of the month on a very small budget, and nobody here really wants a lot of pepperoni, it's for pepperoni bread- I'm being creative, and furthermore it is kinda, totally your job to slice stuff.

 If you had actually been busy, I would have been more likely not to be taken aback by the fact that you were sending out clear and unmistakable "I hate you and hope you die" rays, presumably because I made you take out a stick of meat for me that you would then have to re-wrap and put back after slicing off 60 cents worth of meat, so it doesn't even seem worth it, but again, it is what you were being paid to do, and I was polite, as I always am, because I know that working in a service job can totally suck when people are demanding assholes, so I make it a point to say please and thank you sincerely. And, to boot, there was NO ONE ELSE around.  There were hardly any customers at all in the whole store, so I guess my question is, WHY DO YOU HATE ME!?

Okay, maybe that is not fair. Maybe this was not actually about me.  Perhaps you had terrible news before work and your stabbing hatred rays were residual. Perhaps I reminded you of the stunningly gorgeous women named Jolene, who took your man even though you begged her not to.  Maybe pepperoni killed your cat. It seems feasible, but I just don't know. However, whatever the reason, I could tell you weren't happy, and I internalized it, and now I am unhappy too. It's probably a good thing I just have to write a blarg and I don't have to slice ridiculously small amounts of pepperoni for stupid jerkfaces, too.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Now You're Traumatizing with Portals!

Can't write.  Highly traumatized by the heartless slaughter of a poor defenseless companion cube.  Or, I might just be watching my friend play Portal (while anticipating Portal 2 getting here- 40% off at Amazon today, with free shipping!) and I can't be arsed to write something more substantial because video games are much more entertaining.  But let's go with highly traumatized and distraught so you don't think I'm just a lazy asshole.

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