Sunday, January 15, 2012

Down low, too slow!

I hate high fiving. A lot.

High fiving humans...
I will high five the shit out of animals.
Except birds, fuck birds, but I will high five any hamster that puts its creepy little alien paw up for me to gently tap with my palm (because it is a tiny cute hamster and full on high five might hurt it).

High fiving humans holds no interest for me because they judge you when you are awkward and your hand isn't a fucking physics major, so you kinda miss their hand on the forward trajectory, not hitting it right on, and then they know you have spacial issues, and they don't say anything but you can see it in the way that they avoid your eyes.

Or you go for the high five and they do the mercy hand position and there you are, slightly horrified, looking like you are defending yourself again a bully who wants to break your wrists and they are clutching at your hands, jumping up and down, excited, and you are just receding to your happy place until this stranger danger is over.

And it is stranger danger, because anyone who really knows me knows I don't want to touch their hands. They also probably know that they don't want to touch my hands (see the post about my activities on road trips). I'd rather most people put their genitals on me than their grubby dirty hands.

That job I had, the one that I got fired from, they were staunch believers in high fives.  My soul died a little every time I was forced to partake in their bizarre hand touching ritual. Thankfully they fired me though, so I didn't have to come up with bizarre reasons to dodge being touched.  I had already considered "leprosy from an armadillo bite" and "mail order ebola that accidentally got shipped to me instead of my terrorist next door neighbors."  They probably would have just gotten hazmat suits for everyone and upped the "up highs" to boost my morale.

The best ones will be posted later this week with a link to your blog. Draw them up and send them to my email (cheeseblarg at live dot com). You have until Wednesday, 11:59pm my time.

 p.s. Your drawings don't have to be drawings if you'd like to work in another medium, but it has to be self made.


I selected this post to be featured on my blog’s page at Humor Blogs.


  1. really enjoying the tortoise high five. the last creature - not so much. but cute concept anyway! : )

  2. The earthworm one is killing me. Hahahaha.

    I will attempt to draw you one. No promises. I might have shot my load with otterus hybrid.

  3. Hahahah that is adorable. Pooooor little earthworm. I may have to participate in this contest!!

  4. Oh man...I got the snorts reading this :D I'll do my best for the drawing :D

  5. Okay, I went ahead and submitted my entry for the "Animal High Five Challenge." You will like it.

    Pick me! Pick me! Pick me! Pick me!


  6. Ah, mutant kitten high five made me laugh out loud. I am SO making a high five! I'll send it to you tomorrow.

    1. Did you happen to see the tweet I made that spurred that illustration?

  7. "They probably would have just gotten hazmat suits for everyone and upped the "up highs" to boost my morale." Lol- That and the earthworm majorly cracked me up.

  8. Nice post. Agreed about the high fives, and submitted a picture for your contest.

  9. Awhh, poor little worm. You should head butt! :D

  10. i tried my best to get the fail ninja to high five me for a picture since i can't draw cats worth a crap. kinda looks more like she is trying to just eat my hand

  11. This is hysterical. Although, I feel like last time I tried to high five an animal, it ended in a smooshed fly :(
    Also, I recently started a kind of similar blog that I think you really might enjoy:
    It would be great if you could help me out by taking a look!


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