Friday, March 30, 2012

To My Doctor...

So... okay, my colonoscopy was awful, and it was an anomaly*, I know, because I have a super liver (still) that filters medications out of my body at high speeds, so uh, I may have traumatized some people.

They also might not have taken me completely seriously when I told them that I ALWAYS wake up during the procedure. So, I woke up during the procedure...

And I feel it necessary, now, to make this card for my doctor because I am going to have to continue to see him, and I am fairly embarrassed that in my semi-unconscious state I couldn't stop myself my screaming like a crazed weasel and crying hysterically, like someone had just been cutting chunks out of my intestines while filling them full of air.

All I really know about my doctor is that he REALLY likes working out. And he seems not to be a serial killer, so I can safely assume that he likes kittens and rainbows and unicorns and mini Godzilla.

So, yeah. Sorry 'bout that.

*Please don't let this scare you off from getting life-saving diagnostic tests. Most people don't have this problem, and a few minutes of screaming while they run off to get you more meds is worth making sure your guts are okay, believe me. This is my fifth and it won't be my last, no matter how many times it traumatizes me.


  1. Sorry you woke up.

    {insert roto-rooter joke here}

  2. I love the card. I think this is a general card that anyone should be able to use whenever they inadvertently scream bloody murder.

    I love mini-Godzilla! ha :D

    1. Well, of course. That is why I left his name off of it. Clearly.

    2. Here it is as a card, just in case anyone needs it.

  3. Ow ow ow....I can't imagine....glad you survived it though!

  4. O.O I am freaked out. I will most likely need a colonoscopy at some point in the future because of all my bowl issues, and The prep is traumatizing enough. Ugh, I hope it won't have to be for a few years or so before I'm forced to get one done. :/

  5. I completely understand, I'm told I did the same thing, fortunately I don't remember, unfortunately,it's been so long, I can't remember who to give the card to...

  6. Good for you for getting the colonoscopy done, though!!!! I get them regularly and, while I hate them, they're the best thing you can do for your health. So, YAY you!
    You should do one of those cards for your next one and it should say GIVE ME MORE DRUGS SO I DON'T WAKE UP AND SCREAM SO LOUD YOUR EARDRUMS BURST and paste it on your arse - then he might take you seriously next time!

  7. I think if you left off the second line and leave the inside of the card blank, this card could be used in multiple situations.
    - "Sorry about all the screaming. I'll make sure my girlfriend keeps the volume down next time."
    - "Sorry about all the screaming. We'll warn you next time there's a horror movie marathon."
    - "Sorry about all the screaming. I will never use Nair again."
    - "Sorry about all the screaming. I had a really bad nightmare that involve... nah, you don't wanna know."
    - "Sorry about all the screaming. I heard a rumor there'll be a movie based on Lois Lowry's "The Giver"." (I nearly shouted NOOOO, but screaming could still apply.)
    - "Sorry about all the screaming. I discovered what "goatse" is."
    - "Sorry about all the screaming. I discovered my mom tried to have an affair and took nude photos of herself to send to her lover. Curiosity is a bitch, amirite?"
    - "Sorry about all the screaming. I discovered why they named eggs benedict after a traitor." (I only half-remember that night of crying and screaming, since I was mostly asleep when I ran to the bathroom.)

    Yeah, you get the idea.

  8. they should be giving you a card, maybe a coupon inside good for one free drug induced euphoria session while getting some other procedure done, like having a wart frozen off or something.

  9. They should be sending you a card. With a coupon good for one free drug educed euphoria session during some procedure of your choice, like getting a wart removed or something.

  10. Maybe they will remember you the next time and keep those drugs very close and flowing freely. Maybe you could also make the card into a tshirt to wear every time? You are a trooper!

  11. Wow,,,next time maybe they'll take you seriously when you tell them you wake up!

  12. I think all the cash you're dropping (whether it be directly or through exorbitant insurance prices) should be more than enough to compensating for a little reflexive and justified yelping (I downgrade it from screaming when it's coupled with the discomfort of that). Can they upgrade to heroin next time?

  13. Ugh, I'm SO sorry about that. I was scared shitless before my colonoscopy (not literally, otherwise I wouldn't have had to drink that awful, awful stuff. Mine was supposed to be pineapple, if pineapple tasted like sadness and salt.) but I thankfully don't remember anything after "hey, the back of mouth tastes wei---zzzzzz." I like the card, though. <3 <3 Hope your pooper is feeling better now. <3 <3


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