Tuesday, July 24, 2012

That Unfunny, Un-illustrated, TMI Post.


So, I have this medical procedure on Thursday morning that I have been waiting for for 4 months now, and I've hinted at it, but I haven't really written about it, mostly because I don't feel like illustrating it, and also because it is not terribly funny.

My bladder and its bad behavior has been a subject of this blarg before, and I have been waiting all this time for an appointment to have it looked at to make sure that the bad thing it is doing is not cancer.  This is honestly the first time that doctors have ever actually said to me, without my input, "Well, it could well be cancer. We're checking for bladder cancer."

(I'm going into details here so you might want to just skip to the bottom if you get squeamish...)

I am guessing it isn't. My hunch is that I have another chronic disease and that it isn't life threatening and will just be a painful annoyance for the rest of my life. Better, but not by a huge margin.

But they want to do more than just looking inside my bladder.  When I went to my first appointment with the urologist, the very nice nurse was tasked with catheterizing me to get an unadulterated sample of my pee to test it, once again, to make sure the problem wasn't an infection. She very kindly told me everything that she was doing before she even touched me.

She calmly let me know. "I'm inserting the catheter now. I'm not going to hurt you."
To which I laughed and replied "I think you're a damned liar!" because she was a damned liar and she scraped half the length of my urethra with the catheter. I peed a lot of blood for the rest of the day. It was like paying someone to give me the worst UTI of my life.
She was still a lovely person though. Then she exclaimed, "Your urethra is TINY! The doctor will dilate that for you when he does the cystoscope."
And I said, "Okay" because I didn't have access to the internet while I was in the office to find out exactly what "Urethral Dilation" entails.

Remember how freaked out I was at having my eyeballs touched?  Yeah, I am at least 600% less pleased about having graduated tubes inserted into my pee hole to make it bigger.  I figure it is just fine how it is.  She said it would help me pee better, but I think I have been peeing in an efficient and frequent manner for almost 36 years and I am of the opinion that they should leave well enough alone.

Also, everything I have read says that patients are usually put out for cystoscopes, yet, my doctor plans on doing it while I am completely awake and aware, and seeing as my guts betray me when I am nervous, and I have fibromyalgia, so my nerves are like super mega-ly more sensitive to pain than other people's, I am afraid that there is a chance that I am going to poop on the doctor. I would be afraid of kicking someone too, to stop the pain, because I am a kicker, but I have seen the table they are going to do the procedure on, and it has straps to immobilize my legs, which means they KNOW that I am going to want to kick them in the faces.

And I assume (but don't know if) they are going to somehow anesthetize the parts of my pee system that they will be futzing with, but OMG, what if they need to do biopsies!? I just want them to put me to sleep for this.

And then there is the bladder stretching, which might be on the docket also, because they made me measure my urinary habits with a pilgrim's hat, and it seems the most my bladder holds is 8-10 ounces, where the normal person's bladder holds double that. And I read that they sometimes do that to treat overactive bladder stuff... and I also read that some people who have had urethral dilation, and bladder stretching are in pain for the rest of their lives.

Anyway, I am not entirely sure what will happen to my bladder, and not knowing things I want to know stresses me out. Not knowing, for 4 months, whether the bleeding in my bladder is cancer has made me much less jovial and desirous of writing and illustrating. Though they keep trying to reschedule on me (it has been moved twice now- they tried to cancel again today, but agreed to just do it an hour and a half earlier- and I had to wait two months for my first visit knowing that my general practitioner wanted me seen right away, also concerned about cancer) I am hoping there will be some sort of KNOWN by the end of this week, and I can stop worrying all the time and go back to seeing funny things everywhere, all the time.

In all, this has been going on for almost a year, if not longer. I'm scared, and I'm nervous, and I don't want to endure more pain. I want my normal life back. I don't want to worry about this any more, so no matter how scared I am, I need to go through with it and get it over with so I can have an answer and start treating my stupid jerk bladder. But I am not looking forward to it, and it sucks, and I want to magically be better so I can go back to just being funny.


P.S. I want kittens and hamsters and goats to hug. I think that would make me feel better. Please send a petting zoo immediately.

45 comments:

  1. OMG I can't even read this. I started to and then I got really queasy and had to skim it. Sorry, lady. That stinks.

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    1. Augh, sorry. I put a disclaimer in your honor.

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  2. It can't be any worse than inserting a hamster in your bladder.

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  3. Hugs & prayers & good thoughts are being sent your way from the iowa/illinois area. I would send a petting zoo as well, but haven't any idea how long they would survive in my one remaining bubble envelope. .

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    1. But then they wouldn't run away!

      And thank you. Good thoughts can never hurt.

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  4. I also hate not knowing things about my near future, like for example where I will be living after next month. Eep. Can you ask him to put you out for the procedure? If he absolutely refuses and if it won't interfere, I would suggest either taking an aspirin before you go in or drinking a little bit. It should help you not feel the pain as much and alcohol might make you less worried about it too. Love and hugs from me. I'm also sending a very loving chicken your way, but she can't fly, so it might take her a while to hitchhike there.

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    1. I will ask again, when I asked the nurse she indicated it wouldn't happen, but it couldn't hurt to ask again.
      And unfortunately, because of my fibro med, I don't know that I can take any good pain meds, and I know I can't drink (drug interactions and I am allergic).

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  5. I feel like having you receive a dead guinea pig in the mail, due to improper air holes, would just add insult to injury. Instead, I am sending you thoughts of strength and hugs! I hope you get to kick everybody before you leave!

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    1. Thoughts and hugs are greatly preferable to dead animals... though still, they don't run away when they are dead.

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  6. I'm pulling for you, and you're in my thoughts like always. Speaking of pulling, you need to get a good grip on any and everyone's bits, and put a disclaimer that the pain they cause you will be mirrored in their peeing region, so they'd best be fucking gentle.

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    1. I think they intend to stay out of genital gripping reach. I need to tell you the other funny thing that I won't say in public. =P

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  7. Here are my baby hamsters to hug - http://www.tumblr.com/blog/dwarfyhamsters -
    their names are Atalissa Oskaloosa and Amana Magnolia and they are crazy and cute.

    I hope you get some answers soon - I had a bunch of medical stuff happen last year and it's the waiting that succcckkkkks so much and just makes the pain seem worse somehow

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    1. AUGH! Your link didn't work but I got a peek of them on your blog. I used to have dwarf hamsters named Carlos and Mari. They died because I am a bad pet owner. I paid my friend to clean the cage for me and we held a lovely funeral outside of my dorm. This is why I now don't have pets.

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    2. Or kids, for that matter.

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  8. Urgh, sorry to hear about that. I hope your results come back clean and you escape relatively pain free.

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  9. Nobody can be happy and funny when they are scared... peeless?
    That doc sounds like he deserves a good kicking anuyway, can't see why you'd have to be awake during the little party he'll be having with your bladder. Sounds unnecessarily cruel to me, but obviously I'm not a doctor or even nurse.
    Wishing you all the best- you might not get magically better in the wink of an eye, but with a bit of luck at least that particular worry will disappear. Here's hoping.
    Would send you my cats to hug, but they tend to be vicious bastards after being stuck in a carrier, so let's not do that...

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    1. The nurse tried to assure me that I would be okay because it would only take about 3 minutes. I hope I can endure 3 minutes without being too much of a baby.

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  10. I didn't know this about myself until I read your post, but I am squeamish.

    I am so sorry you are going through this, and if it was legal to send you a petting zoo through the post, I would. If you really want one, I can drive to you.

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    1. I'll expect delivery at noon tomorrow. Don't forget the bunnies.
      Also, I am sorry that my bladder made you queasy. It's kinda a jerk.

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  11. I am super squeamish, but seeing that I've been through the torture of having recurring UTI's (think one every month for almost a YEAR) and then 2 years of absence and BAM I just got another yesterday, I read this through and...I feel your pain. I'm sending positive vibes into the universe for you. Oh, and I hope they put you out and you dream of unicorns and rainbows. And give you a bionic bladder. Like Iron (wo)Man.

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    1. I would love to have a bionic bladder. Just because it would be hilarious to go on trips and have TSA people swiping that wand over my crotch over and over again before I told them what was up.

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  12. I don't have a petting zoo, but I have a cute video of kittens
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jHXwm1GD2-4&feature=g-upl

    I can only imagine what you are facing, and I'm sorry it is so scary. I hope it is not nearly as bad as you imagine and that it does being you, if not full relief right quick, then at least some answers.. I know full well how the not knowing can be..

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    1. Those kittens are super cute. I take it the splotchy one is the mom (I am well aware that there is probably a technical name for that pattern that is not "splotchy" but my brain has the dumbs)?
      I wonder if there is somewhere local that rents out ginger kittens for a few hours for snuggly play time and takes them back when they have to poop or eat.
      Also, if you come back and read this, I demand that you tell me all the kittens' names and if the one in the basket doesn't have a name that you name it Allison (or Reynolds)... after the basketcase in The Breakfast Club.

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  13. All I can say is #sympathy. I know how much going through infinite procedures SUCKS.

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    1. Also this http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL201B9B95CAC850E4

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    2. #ThankYou - I intend upon listening to your awesome youtube mix as I lay potentially writhing in bed tomorrow.

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    3. If you can, try to watch it. The visuals are half the fun ;)

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  14. :( So, so sorry. I'm not a hugger. But I'd totally hug you. Unless you're not a hugger either, in which case I'd...I don't know...pat you on the shoulder? I'd offer a sympathetic high five, but we both know how that would end up. My thoughts are with you.

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    1. I am a sometimes hugger. That is I am way more comfortable hugging women and don't like being pressured into hugging strange men who potentially only want to hug me so they can feel my boobs pressed against them and who then post things on facebook about how they hug women just so they can get some cheap boob-press, and who get really mad when I post about them on da blarg.
      I think what I meant was thank you, and I would gladly press my boobs against you.

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  15. Love and luck and petting zoos from outer space manned by giant robots coming your way!! I hope for benign everything and no side effects!

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    1. Holy crap, I want an outerspace robot manned petting zoo SO BADLY! And thank you. Big money, no tumors!

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    2. Yeah me too. I didn't even realize it until I gave it away. It's that Poison song all over again!

      BIG MONEY BIG MONEY!

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  16. I just found your blog and I love it! I'm sorry you're going through tough times. I can totally relate. I wrote a post a couple of days ago about going to the gynecologist and how uncomfortable it is. It's called "I have to go to the doctor". Maybe you can check it out and have a chuckle. Best wishes
    Elizabet
    www.abouthalfabubbleoff.blogspot.com

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    1. Thanks!
      Yeah, those gowns are terrible. I was quite amused at the visual of hanging from the ceiling.

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  17. *hugs* Sorry about the scary. My boyfriend had his bladder scoped and said it wasn't so bad and that he was awake. I hope that's how your experience works out! If not than I'm sending you hugs anyways.

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    1. Yup, it is over now, and I am a bit achy but not dying. It was mostly not painful other than when the doctor hit my bladder wall with the camera. And then feeling like I have a uti now. I should live.

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  18. I wish I had seen this post sooner. First off as a nurse I understand the procedure your talking about completely, why it wasn't done under sedation is beyond me, as a fibromyalgia/lupus patient myself I also know your side of the fear. From now on demand the sedation for any painful procedure, three minutes is a long time when your in pain. Tell them you won't have the procedure done without it. They do not have to put you to sleep, entubate, etc. for this type of procedure, but sedation is the humane way to go with anyone having this procedure, let alone someone with fibro. They can do IV sedation, inject a little Versed your IV line from time to time (it's a short acting med) and even though your not really asleep on Versed you think you have been afterwards, it does cause drowsiness, eases anxiety and you will have no memory of the procedure afterwards. You will think you have been asleep. In other words you will go in happy and come out happy. You do not have to submit to painful procedures when it is possible to remove that pain. If he insists on not giving you the light sedation for procedures like this then I would be hot on the trail to find another dr.
    Thinking of you today, but have to admit I am a little angry with your medical staff for more reasons than one. Any nurse that is doing a cath and says "I'm not going to hurt you" is lying, it does hurt and she should tell you it is going to hurt, some caths hurt more than others. A little Valium or a pain pill a few minutes before can not only help the pt but the nurse as well because the patient is relaxed and muscles are not resisting.

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  20. I'm glad your procedure is over, hope the results are positive=ish at the least. On the cath, you can always talk to your MD about having them use some EMLA on the cath as they put it in. it's a topical gel that will numb the area on contact so cath insertion won't be as hurtful. the few times I've been cathed I've already had a spinal so while I felt it go in, it didn't hurt.

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  21. My hubby had bladder cancer and was treated with some super-strong drug that is also used to kill TB. Go figure. Anyway, it messes with the lining of the bladder, then the body kicks in and says, "Hey, wait, I am going to fight anything that attacks the lining of my bladder." The immune system is heightened, and the cancer's ass is kicked.

    Hubby has to go for regular checkups that involve putting a scope inside his bladder and taking a peek. It's a long way up there for a man, and not fun at all. But, so far, for the past two years, he's been fine every time.

    He says he thinks about puppies and kittens when the nurse is doing her thing. Gets him through.

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