Monday, February 27, 2012

Introducing SST!

Being the helpful person I am, I find it necessary to make the lives of those I come in contact with more enjoyable and actually worth living.  Today, I am proposing a new time phenomenon, a world wide time shift based on need, rather than location or time of year.
I call it:

Instead of Daylight Saving, which I, and anyone with any goodness in their hearts, regard as an inconvenience at best, and an evil conspiracy to work people to death, otherwise, Sanity Saving Time is the temporal happiness equivalence of a TARDIS. A Delorean of Self-Preservation, if you will.

Say you are having a superbly crappy day.

You've soiled yourself during your big pitch in front of your colleagues,

 some dipshit has stolen all of the money out of your Paypal account and you can't find a wormhole anywhere,

 you get home and your boyfriend is fapping to grandma porn... of your grandma...

It is the  most HORRIBLE DAY ever and you just want it to end so you can start anew tomorrow.
With Sanity Saving Time (SST), you can declare it tomorrow RIGHT NOW! No waiting around moping thinking, THIS DAY SUCKS AND I WANT IT TO BE OVER! You can forget about all of that crap (literally) and declare this a brand new day.

SST is solely for personal time travel. It does not affect those around you, unless they invoke it in solidarity.  SST only advances time. It cannot be used to go back in time to take back things you have said or done. SST terminates naturally when you go to sleep. It does not effect the time, but rather the date, and can be notated as 2/28/12 SST, should you decide to share with others that you have chosen to time travel to keep from stabbing people.


Thursday, February 23, 2012

On health care, being poor, and idiots.

Keeping to my plan to work on getting my heath issues dealt with, I am now facing the supreme idiocy that is communicating with my local hospital.
Before I go through with the testing that my doctors want to order, a sleep study and a colonoscopy (worry not, I shall be SURE to make a fun-filled post about that joy), I wanted to make sure to be responsible by procuring patient assistance BEFORE I run up any bills. This is a boring and tedious process of listing all money I have touched in the past year, having notarized statements made of every cent of help anyone has bestowed upon me, and proving that I am not lying by providing documentation of everything. Part of that is proving that I am not eligible for medicaid, which should be as simple as looking at the fucking eligibility requirements for medicaid and seeing that I DON'T MEET THEM!  Oh, too hard, well, they could look in their damned files because they approved me for patient assistance back in June when I had my MRI done, and see that I wasn't eligible for medicaid in September when I was last eligible for their patient assistance program, and match that with the pregnancy test I took yesterday that proves, yup, still no kid, and TADA, APPROVE ME, YOU ASSHOLES!
But no, I have to apply for medicaid so I can be turned down (however long that takes) and then I need to turn in documentation that I was turned down, and THEN I have to wait for them to make up their minds as to whether, being poorer than I was last time they approved me, I am eligible to be seen in their stupid jerk hospital. Last time it took a year and a half to be approved...
It kinda feels like they would like me to die so they don't have to pay for me to have tests to make sure I don't die. At the very least, it feels like they are supreme giant dum dum heads.

In other news, I am workin' towards working on a secret project, so hopefully we will have something non-sucky to look forward to!

Sunday, February 19, 2012

First Secret Cupid Round-Up!

I am super proud and happy to officially report that our first ever Cheeseblarg exchange was a great success. I tried to plan in case of every eventuality, and there was only one (point five) emergencies to deal with, that I had already figured for, so taking care of it was pretty simple. I used a very simple method to chose partners- each person got the person directly under them in the sign up list, as long as they were from the same country AND from a different state. Texas was our most popular state so I moved people around to make sure that each match had someone who wasn't in their area, but otherwise, it just went down the line. The last person got the first person to sign up, which was me.

There were 34 participants in total, and I am fairly certain that no one died in the process (which is a measure I use to ascertain  the success of any venture I partake in... someone dies, it is a failure, but otherwise WIN! I suppose it is clear that I have yet to put together any human hunting teams or mass suicides).

Here is the gift I got from my long time friend, sometimes reader, and awesome exchange participant, Eric R., who is one of the funniest guys I know, and whose intellectual stick figure comics many years ago gave me an inkling that maybe I could do this too (he also was the only male in the exchange).

Peanut butter, honey and sea salt truffles from Compartes Chocolatier in Hollywood, CA. So tasty!

And here are some gifts and experiences of your fellow Cheeseblargians:

Had so much fun creating for this swap. I got spoiled rotten by my partner who sent me an amazing disproving chicken card and all the amazing supplies I received! The chocolates...didn't last long after the picture.                                         -Brandy Davis

I had a great time with the Secret Cupid exchange.
Husband and I have been together since high school (11 years), and we have only ever celebrated one Valentine’s Day – the first one.
I tend to poo-poo most holidays, I’m not a fan of Xmas, so much work and stress for so little reward, the only good thing about Easter is hot crossed buns, but I can just buy fruit loaf throughout the year, it’s almost the same thing, right? I’m Australian so Halloween is meaningless to me (I’m the lady that gives out apples if any kids come a knocking). So Valentine’s Day sits right up there with the rest. Ignored.  It was actually a lot of fun to join in the Cheeseblarg Secret Cupid.
The best part? – The grow your own Crocodile from an egg thing! BEST GIFT EVER! -Sarah H. 

I really enjoyed being part of this Secret Cupid Exchange. I got a lovely package with 4 bowls for me to use in my Bentos, as well as a map of San Antonio, and some packages of seeds. I loved the personalized pictures that my Secret Cupid drew on the bowls and the map. It really made me smile. I'd love to be included in a future exchange!    ~Kat

I'm sending a photo of what my secret cupid sent.
Unfortunately, I'm not sure who to give credit to, so maybe you could help me out on that piece. (It was Brandy up there *points* -JR)

It should be noted that I raise alpacas, which makes it even more fan-freakin-tastic that my valentine sent me a beautiful felted zipper pouch with an alpaca on it. Even better, she included a hand-drawn ACEO card with the alpaca from the pouch. I screamed and shouted, "Sweet!" when I opened my package, frightening my dogs in the process. It's so flipping cool, and I am so glad I participated.
 Really, it was exciting and fun even to be a sender of a package. It made valentine's day fun and exciting again. I haven't felt that way about it since elementary school. Would totally do this again (hint, hint).
I'm also including a picture of some of my herd, just for fun. (OMG SO CUTE! JR
Thanks again for coming up with this super sweet idea. -Britta

I was spoiled! Thank you to! She actually sent me a handmade tiny manatee named earl, which is my dream. Seriously cool. -Eke 

And yeah, it was super fun and only a little stressful for me, because I wanted everyone to be happy (and had to send out 68 personalized emails). I'm almost glad that I didn't go with my original idea of giving everyone my address and pretending they all got me as valentines, such lucky readers. =P 

Hopefully, the rest of the participants will link their blog posts in the comments here so you can see everyone's posts, because Cheeseblargians are some of the best readers and present givers I have met in my ENTIRE life. You can also see more gifts and interact over at Cheeseblarg on Facebook!

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Queen of the Nerds

I'm supposed to be writing a Secret Cupid Valentine Exchange Round-up because it went really well, but unfortunately, I received The Big Bang Theory on DVD for Valentine's day from my friend Vez, so I have no desire to do anything but fall in love with fictional nerds who will also ignore me and, on occasion, make me cry.  It is like single life all over again.
I must say, I'm proud of myself for understanding so many of the jokes (and not just laughing because they said something I didn't understand at all, which is what I imagine a lot of people do). I am disappointed that they referred to giving electric shocks as "negative reinforcement" when talking about operant conditioning. Any psychology nerds out there will understand my ire. Everyone else will just continue to call me nit-picky and say that I am too serious, but what the hell is the purpose of giving things names if we are just going to call psychological techniques anything we damned well please?!  Also, unrelated to the show, don't get me started on schizophrenia being stupidly and incorrectly mistaken for multiple personality disorders in popular culture. Seriously, cringe-worthy.

So, I'm going to do the round up tomorrow, most likely, and in the meantime, back to my imaginary nerd harem.

It was taking way too long, attempting to draw convincing comic versions of the cast. I don't have the patience while I am jonesing to watch more.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Skynet 1.0: Abuse of the RedBox

After watching my mother try to rape the Redbox Kiosk with the movies she was returning for me, because I have my nephew's cold and didn't want to get out of the car in subfreezing temperatures, I am fairly certain that this sort of thing  is the beginning of the Skynet Incident.
They didn't show it in the Terminator movies, but clearly, the repeated abuses of these machines are going to lead to a revolt where machines start attacking and murdering humans.

At the very least, RedBox should set up hidden cameras to record and broadcast, for our amusement, the various ways in which people are unable to figure out the operations of their machines.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Chicken Butt

My nephew is now in the habit of greeting me with the following each afternoon when I pick him up  from school. It is my least favorite game of all.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

February Sticker Sale- We All Heart Narwhals

These stickers are only available during February. It is a limited edition sticker with only 29 available for sale. With shipping, each sticker is $2.50 USD. You can choose to send me more if you like, in case you are feeling generous, but of course, you don't have to.

 Each hand cut sticker is around 3.25 inches high by about 3.75 inches wide and has a matte finish. Will be sent first class mail by USPS.  For those outside the US, please choose the Base International option for the first sticker, and regular $2.50 for any additional sticker in the same order.

Price Options

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Super (Nom) Bowl

This is REALLY how I view the Super Bowl every year.  I don't hate football, but I do love eating ridiculous foods that I only feel justified in making a few times a year, as well as watching funny commercials. I am more than willing to put up with the football part of the event to reap the joy of these two SUPER bonuses.

Each year I look forward to finding out who is in the Super Bowl, though I don't watch any other games, JUST so I can figure out what kind of food I will get to make (as I make my spread match the cities of the playing teams).  This year it is pizza dip (as well as a few other New Yorkish Dips from the same site) and Lobster Rolls (made with 2 sad little lobster tails 'cause they were on sale and we needed to budget for the month) and Shrimp Skewers.

And now I am going to finish cooking it all and then eat it, while watching commercials to see which company wins this year.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Some things, not so helpful.

I'm a smart ass.

 Beyond that, I tend to think very literally sometimes, which is fairly apparent in my humor stylings.

As a result, I have a hard time not being a psychic jerk to people who stand on the side of the roads panhandling, when they have stupid signs. By psychic jerk, I mean I don't actually antagonize real people, but I fantasize about it, because being a jerk in real life sucks but in your imagination, it is awesome.

The sign that bothers me most is the "ANYTHING HELPS!" sign.

I think you really need to be specific about what ACTUALLY helps. If I ever find myself in a situation where I need to beg for money on the side of the road, I already have my sign planned.

Thursday, February 2, 2012


So good news, I'm NORMAL! (says the doctor I saw today) Only not really, at all. I just was so awesome before that my normal is like slug for other people and until I get money to see someone else or become a total invalid, I can suck it.

Actually, they say I am depressed, and I think if they say that just a few more times, I may actually become depressed (which might be their goal), or I might start lighting things on fire randomly while shouting gibberish and eating good and plentys, which should tell you how much I dislike being told that I am depressed when I am not motherfucking depressed.

Now stressed? I am stressed. I wish they would give me a prescription to deal with said overwhelming stress as it would entail a large never-depleting bank account, a personal masseuse, a bacon butler , and lots of ME time.

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