Sunday, May 27, 2012

Zombies in Miami? It's more likely than you think!


I'm sad to inform you all that the zombie apocalypse started today in Miami, Florida, my hometown. While totally naked, Zombie Joe, the apocalypse's answer to Typhoid Mary,  attacked and ate the face of another man, who is in critical condition at a Miami hospital. Police had to shoot the nude Zombie Joe half a dozen times to finally kill him as he continued to eat the victim.

I have to say, I feel fairly safe here in Montana, because if the trend is going to be naked zombies, they are going to freeze in the snow that we had last night or at least be slowed enough that head shots will be simpler.

Nevertheless, the time is now, dear readers, to ready your plans. It is clear that Joe's victim will have been infected and is going to start with the chompy-chompy sometime soon.

Will you stock up supplies?


Will you fortify your homes?



Or will you join me under the bathroom sink where we will be very very still and very very quiet?




Also, I am very sorry to the victim and the families of the people in this news article, I am very insensitive, but seriously, you have to be a little aware that if your injured loved one tries to bite you, he's totally a zombie and you should kill him, immediately.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

New News is Good News

There have been good reasons for my quietness, that is, not necessarily acceptable, but GOOD, like, I enjoyed them sort of good, you know, the opposite of unfortunate.

Some of it is news, like:

OMG, MY ART IS GOING TO BE SHOWN IN TIMES SQUARE, MOTHERFUCKERS!


Remember me begging for votes? I know, which time, right? Well, the time I was doing it asking people to click "COLLECT ME" so I could have my art shown in Times Square. That time. After one last big push, I got enough votes so that my art will be shown on a billboard in Times Square, NYC. Which art? I don't really know. They haven't told me. Will I be there? Not bloody likely. UNLESS they choose me as a finalist and I make $10k as a result, which would only happen with more votes, but nevertheless HOLY SHIT, TIMES SQUARE, MAN! June 18th. I need pictures of it if any New York City dwellers could go check it out for me.


And OMG, I AM WORKING ON MY NOVEL AGAIN! 




JRose, we were unaware you were working on a novel. Yeah, I know, that is why it is news. It's a sci-fi novel, set way in the future... on the MOON. I started it several years ago and it has been nagging at me and  so I am working on it again. And I am telling people I am working on it so they make me continue to work on it because it is an awesome premise and I am surprisingly, sometimes, a pretty damned good writer (which is an opinion I formed when I reread what I wrote 5 years ago).

Only I haven't worked on it for three days because I was feverishly reading:




11/22/63: A Novel by Stephen King, and it was my favorite book of his so far. Most likely because it revolved around time travel and time travel is my favorite plot point of all time. EVER (Surprisingly, the book I am writing has no time travel at all, because I don't think I can do it justice, and because it doesn't fit with what I need to write about, although, since it happens in the future, it is kind of my way of time traveling, but I digress...). You guys should know by now that I suck at reviews, but this book had a great balance of the usual suspense of a King novel without the choking detail that makes you want to punch yourself in the face. I stopped doing everything to read it because I needed to know what happened next. I even looked into ways to waterproof my Kindle so that I could read while bathing so I didn't have to stop. Seriously, it is awesome. And I didn't give a festering bowl of dog snot about Lee Harvey Oswald (the main topic of the book) before I read it, so you don't have to care, either, to read and enjoy it.

Pocket in the Sea by E. Stoops
Another book by my friend who wrote Being Emelle, this book is an alternative history fiction about paranormals, and submarines, and is an interesting and enjoyable homoerotic romp. It was a little confusing in the beginning as to what exactly was happening, but as I kept reading, it all wove together and made perfect sense. 

And now, I have the house to myself for three weeks, so hopefully, I will get lots of writing done and things will happen that will spur great blarg posts, and maybe Jason Segel will agree to be my internet boyfriend/celebrity endorser.

I'm sure I can work out the details with my husband.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Are You Experienced?


One of the crappiest things people can do, in my opinion, is insisting, when someone reports their personal experience, that said person with experience is clearly stupid/crazy/lying/in denial and is unaware of what is going on in their own life.

This applies to all sorts of experiences,
Like fat people who are told:




or writers of blargs who are told:
JUST STOP BEING DEPRESSED! YOU WON'T HURT IF YOU JUST GET OVER YOUR LIFE CRUSHING DEPRESSION!
Yeah. Not depressed.
DEPRESSION MANIFESTS IN COUNTLESS WAYS!
Does it ever manifest in being happy and content with your life, and being really motivated, because then maybe, yes, I am terribly depressed, but otherwise, NO, I AM NOT AND I AM GOING TO SHOVE A WAREHOUSE FULL OF TWINKIES UP YOUR BUTT IF YOU DON'T STOP TELLING ME I AM!

If someone is trying to tell you that your account of your own experience is wrong, or tries to assign feelings to you without really listening to you or even asking you how you feel, chances are, they are either trying to manipulate you, or they are an asshole.

After having been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia last week, I was sent to see a therapist yesterday to treat my "depression caused" Fibromyalgia. I willingly submitted to testing and answered questions on a little digital box to measure my sanity:



Er, does that count having to wake up to pee 10 times a night?
No. You have a reason for that, it means if you don't have a valid reason.
Okay, then no.



What? I don't abuse drugs at all! What the hell kind of question is this!? I don't think you can abuse a substance less than not doing them at all, unless I started doing nice things for drugs, like making them fancy dream houses with a working elevator or something?



False?


What's going on here? I mean they haven't in a while.



 Well, I guess true, now...


And after about 10 minutes, I had read and answered all of the questions to the best of my ability, since it asked many loaded questions along the line of "Have you stopped beating your wife? Y/N" What!? Wait! I don't even have a wife. Crap. This test should have been written by someone with a background in ambiguities.

And then the very lovely man who was assigned to talk to me plugged the test box into the the computer and a piece of paper issued from his printer with my results and after reviewing them, he said "As I am sure you are well aware, there is not a damned thing wrong with you psychologically." Which is what I have been saying to my doctors all along.


Tuesday, May 8, 2012

I love you for your insides!

No one can agree on what REAL men are supposed to like. I have an opinion though, which I voiced on this facebook post. 

Beyond it being insulting, because who wants to be loved only if someone DISREGARDS what they look like- "Oh baby, I love you even though you're REALLY ugly and your body gives me dry heaves!" This whole, "What you have inside is what counts" thing is just creepy to me.



It's not what's on the inside that counts, your insides are squishy and mostly full of poop. It is your attitude, and your face, and your body, and your sense of humor, and all of that, is on the outside, because that is where you present it, and people should like your outside, even if it is lumpy or has wrinkles, or if your left eye likes to drift to the side when you aren't focusing, or if you make jokes that people don't always get.
Your body is where you live and keep all your thoughts, and people who like you should like it just how it is, damn it. 

Also, seriously, serial killers, I'm not joking.


Monday, May 7, 2012

Cheeseblarg Peeps Challenge Winner- Peep Hunt by Rhea

We have a winner for the 2nd Annual Cheeseblarg Peeps Challenge!


Of it, Dr. Pants said: "Rhea not only succeeded in creating a faithful artistic rendering of an 8-bit classic, but actually succeeded in showing us how the game could have been BETTER. I mean, who wouldn't want to make little marshmallow chicks explode on screen?? Brilliant!!"

Rhea put a lot of work into her piece and quite deserved her win. If you'll remember, she was also the winner last year. Will anyone be able to take her down next year!?


I give you PEEP HUNT by Rhea Blackthorne



Please congratulate Rhea here, and check out her blog that shows some fantastic progress pictures of her diorama.

Remember, next year's theme is: Cartoons. Be prepared!
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